It's been a frightening and sad epiphany. Once again, I'm still dealing with things based on the past instead of dealing with what's happening right now.
I know this is typical, how else would I deal with anything? If a person eats shrimp and their face swells up, it would make sense to expect that to happen again.
I also learned that I get very uncomfortable when life gets even and comfortable and good. I'm waiting for things to fall apart, so I try to knock it apart. If it's going to happen at least I'll know when it's coming. And this makes me sad too.
It's a very good possibility that I'm creating situations I know will make me mad or will give me an excuse to wig out and kick things around. This usually happens when things get mellow and fine.
It's said being aware is half the battle. Well, I'm aware. Now what? My first idea was to write "Let life be good" on my bathroom mirror in red lipstick. Then I had Zoe make a little sign with decorations that said the same thing. I've hung it up in the kitchen where I'll see it all the time.
I need to go back to taking pretty pictures every day, finding the beauty and trying to be optimistic, which is difficult for me. It's much easier to stay on guard, then you can't be taken by surprise. Same ol' stuff I've been doing for a long time.
But changing is so HARD. I don't know what it feels like any more than I know what blowfish tastes like. Like I said, it's frustrating and it makes me sad.
Scott isn't completely sure that I'm being honest or that I'll follow through when I say I want to change that. But, I can say that this is the first time I've been working on myself consistently for an extended period of time. And I really feel like it's the first time I've been really clear about the rut I'm stuck in and not just using it as an excuse for my bad behavior.
For some reason, this time feels very, very different.
I also burst into tears during our latest appointment over missing my grandmother, who died 11 years ago.
My instincts are telling me to just sit with this for a little while. Maybe through the trip the kids and I are taking the last two weeks of this month. Just let it float around in my consciousness for a bit and see if it takes shape or talks to me.
Or I'll do something aery-faery and ask for a dream, because I like to do things like that.
Here's to not knowing oneself at all and surprises and learning.