lipsticksavior (lipsticksavior) wrote,


Sometimes I get in these weird funks. I'll think about stuff that happened in freaking high school and get embarrassed about it all over again. I'll dwell on the nasty Facebook rejection. I'll think about how I never got to the pro level of partying and maybe I missed out.

They're just....... weird funks. I get paranoid and I lose my motivation to do anything. I worry and flap my hands around. I stop painting and writing and taking pictures. I spend a lot of time on my computer watching bad reality shows filled with beautiful young people who ARE at the pro level of partying, which just helps me feel bad.

I have to really put an effort into pulling out of them. I re-read the book Fat?So!, which tells people of size that not everyone is genetically programmed to be a size 2. Many times, a person who is heavier than the "ideal" who eats well and exercises regularly is healthier than a thinner person who doesn't have the same healthy habits. The author presents the data that diets don't work. She recommends you find something that moves your body around that you enjoy, then do it because you can enjoy it. One meal a day should be Wash and Chop. But stop trying to cram your body into the media driven mold because unless your DNA is going to cooperate, it's impossible.

I invite people over and enjoy my friends. I cook. I do a little Wii Fit and laugh as I do the hula hoop because I feel like a tool when I do it. I pet the dog. I rest. I drink water.

It still takes a number of days. I have to get into the very uncomfortable place of making myself be optimistic and finding things to appreciate. I'm still squirmy in that kind of space. It doesn't feel right to me. It's not safe. It's not! It's an obnoxious way to be. Obnoxious and fake and too much like a Jell-O commercial.

I just have to wait it out and do what I know makes me feel better. It's just a bout of me beating myself up. I'm still really struggling with how to cut that out. But does anyone ever conquer that?

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